Cancel Out the Effects of “Mean Girls” with SupportMay 03 2010by Helen Perdue, SSA TrainerAs a secondary school teacher, and a Trainer for the Safe School Ambassadors Program here at Community Matters, I have heard hundreds of “mean girl” stories. The horrifying story of Phoebe Prince’s suicide brought national attention, again, to the deadly impact of bullying. Phoebe was the new girl in town, a 15-year-old who had recently moved with her family from Ireland to Massachusetts. Because she was perceived as favored, as popular, she became a threat to some, and then was made the target of cruel treatment by her peers, mostly by a few girls. She was harassed, stalked, and egged, enduring “a nearly 3-month campaign of verbally assaultive behavior and threats of physical harm,” but then, on January 14, she killed herself. (http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/04/06/massachusetts.bullying.suicide/index.html). The media response raised the likely questions: How could this have happened? Why didn’t anyone do anything to stop it? Who is to blame? How can this be prevented from happening again? In search of answers, many of us reflect back on our own memories of the “mean girls” in school. Many of us have our own stories, as I do. In 7th grade, I was the target of the “mean girls.” As the new girl in town, I wanted to be liked by everyone—the “cool” kids, the “nerds,” the teachers—everyone. At first, this seemed to work. But shortly after I received some extra attention and awards from the school staff and was perceived as the new “teachers’ pet,” in the middle of 7th grade, a group of “mean girls” decided I was their new target. They snarled, snickered, stared, and glared. They talked behind my back, they yelled slurs as I walked by. They were relentless, but it was just a few girls. Then, it got a lot worse, fast. In what seemed like overnight, they started the “I HATE HELEN CLUB.” By March, most of the 7th-grade kids were members. In order to belong, members had to sign an agreement to follow a list of ever-worsening “rules,” which changed weekly. For example: “Throw food at Helen when she walks into the lunchroom; Make sure Helen sits alone.” What hurt most was that my two closest friends had succumbed to the pressure of the “mean girls” and joined the club, throwing food and refusing to sit with me. I dodged food daily and sat down to eat my lunch alone. But, even more than who hurt me most, I remember the few who stood by me during that terrible time and helped me to survive it. To me, they were heroes, but, really, they were just regular people: Dominic, the boy who sat next to me in English class, chose me for his partner when no one else would; Mr. Van Wart, my social studies teacher, let me eat lunch with him in his room instead of making me face the lunchroom; a few students in the other grades who would talk to me after school, as I anxiously waited for my mom to pick me up. And of course, I remember my mom. She would listen to me cry all the way home, almost every day, during those months. She would tell me she loved me and ask if there was anything she could do. I wailed: “Please, take me out of this school!!!” And, she heard me. At the end of that school year, she transferred me to a new school. In 8th grade, I made lots of new, nicer, friends. It seemed like a miracle. I was able to move on. But I was forever affected by that 7th-grade experience. I told myself that I never, ever, wanted to see that happen to anyone else.
Supporting is a simple, but VERY powerful act: show someone that you care. Anyone can support the target of the “mean girls” or any other bullies. You can sit next to her, you can talk to her, and you can listen to what she has to say. Just by doing these small acts of kindness, you can make all the difference in the world. You can help her cope, and perhaps, save her life. Thank you, Dominic. Thank you, Mr. Van Wart. Thank you, Mom. Thank you, all those youth and adults who support those who need it. And, I beg all of you: search out those girls (or boys) who are being harassed, bullied, excluded, defamed, and SUPPORT them. You will change, and maybe save, many lives.
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