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Cyberbullying: A Parent’s Nightmare

Feb 11 2010

by Chris Pack, Program Director

As a father, my heart goes out to Phoebe Prince’s parents, as they try to grieve and make sense out of what happened, as they wonder about the degree to which cyberbullying was a cause of their daughter’s death. And I’d bet that most of us who are parents of kids in school today are wondering similar things: could my son/daughter be the target of school bullies? And could that ubiquitous internet be used as an instrument of violence? Or, at least as an accomplice?

Short answers: yes. This could be true, and it is too-often true.  And, it is time we adults take some effective action to prevent anything like this from happening again, to your son… or daughter… or mine.

But what do we do? There’s a significant chorus of voices calling for more laws and rules to codify and prohibit cyberbullying. That’s not necessarily a wrong move, but let’s face it: young people do lots of illegal things, so let’s not delude ourselves into thinking that this battle will be won in the legislatures, school board meeting rooms, or courts. We can’t legislate compassion or responsibility.

And while we, as parents, should set clear rules and expectations about internet behavior, and should actively monitor e-communication – perhaps by having the computer(s) be in a public place in our homes, and by adopting a “no secret texts” policy as a condition of cell phone use – we shouldn’t fool ourselves further by thinking that we’ll catch them if they break the rules. How many times did you sneak something past your parents?

There’s another chorus calling for harsh punishment of the perpetrators – the so-called “mean girls,” who apparently posted the comments that tortured Phoebe into believing that the world no longer appreciated the gifts she brought to it. We somehow keep believing that justice will be served if the perpetrators’ lives are ruined, too, and that we’ll scare the rest of the country’s 6-17-year-olds out of doing similar things in the future.

Sorry; there’s just too much evidence that “zero tolerance” and “scared straight” haven’t worked with drugs, gangs, early sexual activity, or any other unhealthy behavior. The youthful drive to satisfy developmental needs is stronger than those fears, so this battle won’t be won in the courtrooms, either. We can’t scare people into being kind.

This rules-based, “outside-in” way of thinking is not, by itself, going to solve these problems. The issue is finding better ways to govern the uses of the tools young people have. When emailing and texting (or chatting face-to-face), what internal (and external) compasses guide their behaviors? Are they moral? Social? We’ve got to employ a complementary, relationship-based, “inside-out” approach, one that provides our youth with rock-solid moral and social guidance.

The moral part: at younger ages – infancy through pre-adolescence – we parents have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to equip our children with a moral compass, a conscience that helps them discern right from wrong. So, it is up to us to SHOW our kids that gossiping and rumor-mongering (electronic or otherwise) are wrong; that being a bystander and watching someone get hurt are not a whole lot more admirable than pushing the send button; and, that accepting people who aren’t exactly like us (ethnicity, religion, all the differences) is the root cause of peace in the world. And, if your child is bullying others, check out this advice from author Barry Kareful: http://www.articlesbase.com/parenting-articles/9-action-steps-for-dealing-with-the-child-bully-965480.html

Yep, it starts in the home. “You’ve gotta be taught to hate and fear…” Check out the rest of the lyrics http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/southpacific/youvegottobecarefullytaught.htm to “You’ve Gotta Be Carefully Taught” from the Rodgers & Hammerstein musical, South Pacific. Sing it with your kids. And then, have a conversation with them about it, and about everything else that matters.

Lots of good stuff has been written about the need to communicate with your children, and how to do it. Don’t preach. Ask questions. Listen to their responses. Look into their eyes. Build and strengthen your relationship with them by DOING stuff together. Because then, they just might come to you if they are being targeted, online or in person, and you might have a chance to intervene before it’s too late.

Here’s one Mom’s strategy in the Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/michelle-renee/bullying-school-texting-c_b_437476.html
But then again, you might not have that chance, no matter how close you are.

The social part: even if we are really connected to our kids, as they enter adolescence, we start to lose our ability to shape that moral compass, and our children start to look elsewhere for guidance. That’s the social compass: following peers. So, as a parent, I want to work with my children’s school, to make sure that the administrators and staff there understand the power students have, and that they harness it through a program like Safe School Ambassadors, which equips the socially-influential, “alpha” youth to keep an eye out for hurtful behavior among their friends, and stop it or prevent it before it starts, in a socially-acceptable, peer-to-peer way.

Let’s not get caught up in thinking that rules and laws are going to end cyberbullying and the tragedies it can cause – there aren’t enough people and resources to watch, catch, and prosecute. We need to harness the power of relationships:
- building strong relationships with our own kids, showing them how to conduct themselves in the world and showing them that we will be there for them when they need us;
- working with schools and other youth-serving organizations to establish programs and other practices that strengthen community, and
- tapping the power of peers to set the new norms that break the “code of silence”, that encourage our young people to be positive influences on – and take care of – one another.

 

 

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